Dear Esteemed Noble Author,
            You are my personal Hero.  I live to be like you in every possible way.  As such, I don’t own a TV.
            Enclosed is a small stack of gold coins to express my gratitude.  What does a Gnome look like?
            Sincerely,
            Your Very Rich Fan

 OK.  If you’re going to put it that way, I can be more helpful.  You know that hot chick that you want to date, but can’t work up the nerve to ask out?  Odds are she’s an Elf.  That football player that isn’t so smart?  If he’s on the first string he’s an Ogre, if he’s on the second string he’s a Troll, and if he’s the water boy, he’s a Gnome.
            Come on, explore your world.  That guy behind the Manna King counter is a Gnome.  But the guy wearing the manager’s shirt is a harder call.  He could be anything.  The guy who took your money when you bought this book?  He’s definitely a Gnome, unless of course he’s an Elf slumming it, or an uppity Orc, or a Goblin with literary pretensions.
            Look, you must know what an Orc looks like.  They are everywhere.  They must have given political immunity to a million Orcs when they used them as extras in that Lord of the Kings debacle (a.k.a. the movie).
            Suffice to say, if you don’t know the difference between an Orc and a Goblin at this point, you’re not even trying and you probably wouldn’t even listen if I tried to tell you.

Dear Reverend Lord of the Written Word,
            Enclosed please find the deed to my house, keys to my car, and a check to cover any tax consequences said gifts might bring.
            I work at the docks and so I work next to Orcs, Goblins, and Trolls.  My boss is an Ogre and the manager is a Pit Fiend.
            The thing is Gary the Goblin has buckteeth and wears a do-rag on his head, while Gomez is more traditional and prefers facial scars and fur clothing.  They are two distinct individuals originating from separate clans, each making their own separate way in the world.
            It would be helpful when reading if you would describe each specific Goblin, Troll, etc, so I could get a better feel for each unique character.
            A Formerly Rich Fan

            A car and deed to a house?  I can make time in my busy, lazing on the beach schedule, which us authors like to call “working on the plot,” to personally respond to such a letter.

Dear Formerly Rich Fan,
            Due to the demands on my time, I am unable to maintain a correspondence with all of my fans.  Should your monetary situation change, please feel free to contact me at that time.
            In regards to your statement that not all Goblins are alike, you are wrong.  The full descriptor of a Goblin can be found in the word ‘Goblin’.
            If you had known this fact, I am sure instead of being a Formerly Rich Fan, you would now, in fact, be a Rich Fan.
            Sincerely,
            Worlds Greatest (and Now Wealthiest) Author
            PS. The car needs washing, if you would come by next week and clean it that would be nice.  I’ll be at the beach Wednesday afternoon, so that would be the best time.

Or wait, don't go.  I've now loaded the complete Table of Contents for Minataur Tails, a document, which, in keeping with fantasy literature tradition asks far more questions than it answers.