The
previous
sentence aside, it is not my intent to delve any deeper into my
personal dissatisfaction
with the linear narrative structure of the Garg novels.
The point is, was, and ever shall be that
after I sift the mail for money, checks, and similar valuables, I
occasionally
read a letter or two. Usually they go
(ahem, hint, hint, hint) like this:
Dear
Esteemed Author,
You
are great. No. Great
isn’t the right word. You are fantastic,
wonderful, and
superb. I just wanted to write a quick
letter to let you know what a great, fantastic, wonderful, superb job
you are
doing. I hear you have been nominated
for the N© Bell Peace Prize for your work in ridding sword and sorcery
novels
of swords.
I applaud your
efforts. But do you think this turn of
events will affect the value of my weapons replica collection?
Ha,
Ha. You can use that joke if you want
to.
Anyway, enclosed
is a crisp new hundred gold note I had lying around.
It’s just my little way of saying good work.
Sincerely,
Your Money Sending Fan
I value correspondence with my readers, especially the ones who send cash, so I wrote back.
Dear
Money Sending Fan,
I
fear the value of your collection will be greatly reduced.
Please keep in mind that I am not a licensed
Movie Paraphernalia Collection Adviser, so you may want to seek the
counsel of
an appropriate professional, but yes the value of any non-Grt, Ruby,
Crazy
George, or other Dragon Bound collectable is sure to plummet.
Sell
the swords. Buy genuine Dragon
Pendants™. They double as digital
watches. And their value is sure to explode.
Thank you,
The
Worlds Greatest Author
At other times, the correspondence goes something more like this:
Dear
Esteemed Author,
Wow! What a novel.
Great, fantastic, superb, and excellent are just a few of the
adjectives
that come to mind. I do have some
questions though.
1) On page 56 where Ruby does (some mind-numbingly obscure reference that no one in their right mind could possible care about), wouldn’t it have made more sense if she had done (a well thought out solution that points out numerous holes in some book I may have had something to do with and hence will not be repeating here)?
2) The same thing happens on page 61, 63, 89, and 101. Is this deliberate?
3) I can’t locate the Garg novels anywhere. Do you have the publisher’s address?
I have included three
crisp hundred
gold notes for your time and effort in answering these questions. When will the next novel come out?
Sincerely,
Another One of Your Money Sending
Fans
I
am impressed by your grasp of the subtleties of my books.
I am honored that you would spend so much
time digging deeper into their true meaning.
The
answers to
your questions are:
1) Yes
2) Yes
3) Yes
And soon, just as
soon as I add those last few thousand words that my editor wants.
Thank you,
The World’s Greatest Author