Brett Rants

A Restaurant Review
Checklist

These are a few of my least favorite things

• Wobbly chairs and tables
• Do your chairs wobble at home? Mine don't.
• Dirty Salt Shakers
• The peeve that started this list
• I shouldn't feel the need to wash my hands after touching one of these
• Dirty Restrooms
• Need this even be said
• And the smells. This is what I'm going to smell right before I eat your food?
• Doors should kick out or have a place to throw the paper towels.
• Dirty glasses or silverware
• OK, the list is getting repetitive. Dirty this, dirty that. It shouldn't be
• All the same, the service should shine.
• Unimaginative recommendations
• Often I don't feel like reading the menu. Tell me what's good.
• Better yet, tell me what's not on the menu, but you and your co-workers like to put together for yourselves.
• I'll have what you're having.
• Empty water glasses
• Not enough napkins
• Insipid conversation
• 'Howya doing, here?'
• 'Everything alright?'
• 'Save room for dessert?'
• How about a little ESP?
• Or failing that a simple, 'How may I serve?'
• Doggy bags that leak on the way home
• They shouldn't
• Having to ask for more bread
• At $25/plate, you can throw in a free loaf
• And another for the ride home
• Acne
• OK. I can live with that, but for the love of God, stop touching the stuff.
• Goes for scratching, too.
• Scratching, anywhere
• Smile
• Act like you like me.
• OK, fair enough. How about just acting like the tip is optional and you're intent on earning it?
• How about we just settle for that?
• You do that and I leave 20%...