Classified Ads

I don't know how long it has been since I've been serious about getting a job.

I do know all of these items are from 2013 (or so) and have long since fallen off the radar screen, as I'm more likely to get a street performer license these days than follow up on any of these old ideas.

Still, if interested...

But perhaps that is jumping ahead. The common theme is that all of these pieces of proposed correspondence (classified ads, if you will) are all some sort of come-on: solicitations for work, an offer to work together on some sort of group project, or something along those lines.

I never got any traction on any of these ads. And from the start, many of them were more conceptual than anything else... of course, many an art project has been based on less.

So some (and it should be easy to figure out which ones) were written along the lines of post it and see what happens. It's fairly easy to be anonymous on the Internet, after all.

Oddly, if the writing portion of my site were better organized, I likely would have posted these there, as this was a writing project more than anything else; which is ironic, seeing as how the first ad was an offer to clean up and organize other people's messes for them and here I am complaining about the organization of my own website.

What can I say, it actually sounded like fun to me.

Posted Dec, 2012 to no avail
Reposted Jan, 2013 with similar results

paper_organization.doc
paper_organization.pdf

A large part of my day job (at the time) was to look at plans and review them for product content, doing a take-off if there was a hit. For the average plan I reviewed, there wasn't a hit. And so, much of the effort was wasted.

Posted in January of 2013 to Jobs Wanted

construction_plan_screen.doc
construction_plan_screen.pdf

This was not an ad I placed, but rather my response to another's ad (I have only included my side of the conversation). Since the intent was to find a friend (or something close to that) and the exchange did not end in friendship, the experiment was a failure. On the other hand, success is simply that which happens after a long string of failures. So, whatever.

I'm sure the attached makes me look like an asshole. And in many ways, I am sure I am an asshole. But then again, this was a curated reply, in that I had hand selected those aspects of my personality, which I believed would be most in sync with what the poster was requesting. Such a large miss tends to make me believe there was not a total truth in advertising.

As a historical note, this exchange took place before I had ever even heard of a Flame War; much less, knew what the term meant. Looking back, I have mixed feeling as to whether I should have given up after the first exchange, as it was obviously going badly.

Eh, live and learn.

laugh_riot.doc
laugh_riot.pdf

I can't remember if I posted the short or long version of this. I do know that something like this (if not this ad specifically) garnered the most responses out of anything I ever posted... before it was flagged as being posted in the wrong category.

Nearly everyone was looking for some sort of a club and not, necessarily, working partners.

I no longer have any records as to when I posted it.

art_business_science.doc
art_business_science.pdf

It's been so long, I cannot remember (for sure) how long I ran this ad... or if I ever did. But if I did run it, I'm pretty sure (so, note the level of wishy-washy memory making here) I ran it longer than any other ad (so, like, for a month or so; or at least for two or three renewals). Either way, this would have been at the height of my classified ad activities.

The truth is, however, that I never really expected (nor did I ever receive) a response when I posted this ad, as I was only interested in providing this service for a very small area (basically, for a group of four apartment complexes that surrounded a neighbourhood park).

As an intellectual aside, I will note the fact that very few individuals have a second job doing stuff like this (or other small tasks, such as doing a load of laundry for five bucks [$2.5 cost of machine, $2.5 profit] or making a few extra meatloaves whenever they make one for themselves, selling the extras for a buck or two profit) is prima facia evidence that we don't actually live in a (free market) capitalist society.

On the other hand, since we don't (or at least, I don't believe that I) live in a (free market) capitalistic society, little 'hobby jobs' can be more hassle than they are worth.

pet_sitter.doc
pet_sitter.pdf

It was only a matter of time before I posted a request looking for a writing gig, an endeavour, which, like everything else on this page, went nowhere.

But let me tell you about writing gigs for a moment. I found that they (generally) fell into one of two (OK, three) categories.

The first class of writing proposals came from egomaniacs who wanted someone else to write up their life story (or their idea for a fictional story) on speculation (meaning any profit would be split fifty-fifty, based on their contribution of the idea and my contribution of everything else). I label these individuals egomaniacs, because as far as I could tell, they were complete and total nobodies. It would be the book (that they were hoping someone else would write for them) that would bring them fame and fortune. On the other hand, had they already been famous, a fifty-fifty split would be quite generous. But as it was, they were (as far as I could tell, anyway) complete nobodies. Sure, some of these people had interesting lives. But then, so have I. And if you feel like writing up my life story on speculation for at chance at splitting any profits fifty-fifty, please drop me a line.

The second class of writing project was comprised of bottom feeders of various forms. Um, just as an aside, before we cover the economic infeasibility of the average proposal, let me just mention that simply writing this little blurb, setting down this short introduction to an old (and highly insignificant) piece of writing (so, I am just talking about this Writer for Hire section, here) will take upwards of thirty minutes (probably longer, after one takes into account the formatting, editing, and frictional time that goes into getting into the proper writing frame of mind, hey, it's not like someone else is always making my hot chocolate). And (believe it or not) putting together this entire web page (once again, not taking into account the time originally required to write the individual pieces) will maybe take ten hours total. So, like, there's a real time commitment there. I'm not complaining. I do it for fun. But the going rate for an introductory blurb such as this is $5-10 (on a good day) and one would be lucky (yes, very lucky) to get $100 for this entire page. So, I know $10/hr doesn't sound that god awful, but once one factors in the time to write the base articles (and the time that goes into actually getting paid by unscrupulous strangers) and one is lucky to be making $2.5/hr, an amount which I do not find to be compelling. Like I said, I do it for free all the time. But if you want me to catalogue your life or work on that dream (and/or pet) project of yours, I want a whole heck of a lot more than $2.50/hr (anywhere from $5-500/hr, depending), which just means, I consistently priced myself out of the market (and still do).

And here, I feel compelled to say that my pricing usually falls in the range of 'I'll do it for free' and 'I'm not going to do it at any price'. And if a price estimate like that sounds satisfactory to you, maybe you should drop me a line.

And finally, there was a third category of 'writing projects', which weren't really 'writing projects', at all, but were rather (instead) little more than the posting of links and/or the harvesting of any goodwill one had amassed in their own social media accounts. Which is to say, for enough money, I will be more than happy to paste your link here. But as the going rate (as I understand it, anyhow) is as low as 5¢/link, I (once again) expect to price myself out of the market.

writer_for_hire.doc
writer_for_hire.pdf

People talk. I listen... often at the next table over in a restaurant.

After listening to one particular conversation, I became convinced that the person of the first part needed a Drill Sergeant type persona as a life coach... or a Dominatrix, someone who was not going to take any shit and was going to tell the other person what they needed to do without wasting any time mincing words, 'Just fucking do it!'

The person in question was obviously professional, but suffered (once again, quite obviously) from an inability to pull the trigger.

When coming to a fork in the road, it often does not matter whether you go right or left as long as you go one way or the other.

Go right!
Go left!
Three... two... one!
Too late, I now get to decide for you.
Go right... now!
Move it!

Gratuitous abuse optional.

Never Posted

feudal_life_coach.doc
feudal_life_coach.pdf

I question (and may well question for the next few years and/or decades) my ability to land (and then, hold onto) a programming job. But I know way more about computers than the average bear.

Actually, I was thinking about this earlier today, and will relate it as one of those nines problems. I easily know more about computers (at the level I care about: Python, C, and so on) than 90% of the population... and likely, more than 99% of the population (mainly, because this portion of the population isn't really interested in the nitty-gritty of computers and is not composed of computer professionals). But I probably don't hit the 99.9% level (not yet). My goal for the next few years is to hit this level.

Anyway, in getting to that 99% level, I've learned a lot. And trying to monetize that knowledge was the intent behind this ad. I have no idea what type of response it would have garnered if I had ever bothered to post it.

computer_hobbyist.doc
computer_hobbyist.pdf

I dream about winning the lottery on occasion. And when I do, I often think about giving away (like for free) my writing properties (so, like, printed versions of this website). And one of the more fun ways to do this would be to have someone else turn one (or more) of my properties into a graphic novel (or highly illustrated work of literature) and giving that away on Free Comic Book Day (first Saturday in May, if I remember correctly) by the thousands all across the nation (all free like), because remember, in this scenario, I have already won the lottery, so why worry about making any money off of... well, anything.

This ad was something along those lines. I was looking for an artist whose work and style complimented my own.

I never posted this.

graphic_artist_wanted.doc
graphic_artist_wanted.pdf

I doubt I have what it takes to be a successful tutor. In that, I have no desire to repetitiously go over the same thing day after day, year after year (say, like, introductory level algebra). And I have very little patience for idiots. And, well, students and idiots can be hard to tease apart. In fact, experts and idiots can often be hard to tease apart, as I am inclined to believe the former are just the latter, but even more so (being too stupid to quit). Eh, there's a logic in there somewhere, so look for it if (you care to and/or) it's not immediately obvious.

Anyway, I was thinking (and therefore, just got to list item stage on this one) of trying to tutor:

• Writing
• Punctuation
• Five Paragraph Themes
• Creative Writing
• Chess
• Speed Reading
• Math
• Computer Programming
• Excel

And this is about as far as I got.

And finally, being interested in women, I was putting together a list of dating ideas, which I stuck in this file. But it probably deserves a page (and or a project) all on it's own. So, look for that elsewhere on this site.

Five years later and I'm thrilled to have this collection of writing pieces to publish on my website. And in truth, I put far more energy into creating custom content for my website than I do making money. So, maybe, I just realized I was wasting my time pretending I was going to chase the almighty dollar.

That said, isn't it high time I started writing another novel? I hear tell you can make a fortune writing one of those...