Koan Krazy

Unsent Transmissions
In A One-Sided Conversation

[Heavily Redacted]
{Often, sight unseen}
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It should not be so hard to compose an email. I think ----- knows what I want to say. But I also think, no matter how I word it, the attempt will be futile.

The clouds do not hear.
But still, the wind blows sweet.

Silence is better than thunder.

Lightning. Rain.
Sunshine. Flowers.

I like the singing of birds.
And though I know not what they say,
Neither do they understand me,
When I thank them for their song.

People do the best they can.
Unfortunately, one of the first things people tend to tell others is to have higher standards than that.

As they say, "Elvis has left the building."

My blood-lust has no bounds.
The seagull is wise to keep its distance.

What goes through a doe's mind as the wolves render her asunder? Does it matter?

While a kite dances in the breeze to its flyer's delight, its sole aim is escape.

Staring at the immediacy of death, I doubt anyone cares about the past.

What would I write to speak my mind?
Why would I bother to try?

The Golden Shield of Hypocrisy
And yet, The Bitter Slings of Truth always seem to find a way through.

I could tell my truths,
But only I care.
Getting no reply...
Does it matter?
Do I even care?

Life is all about Death.

[REDACTED IN FULL]

[DITTO]

One could metaphorically interpret my correspondence as a Past Due Notice: "Satisfactory resolution to the matter at hand has been repeatedly attempted. If corrective measures are not taken immediately, the account is in danger of becoming suspended or closed.

A near total lack of action coupled with a failure to acknowledge the wrong and therefore never even offer a meaningful apology or commiseration [is not acceptable].

Well, that escalated quickly.

Chair. Rock.
Sit. Wait.

I like these Two-By-Twos.

I do not enjoy empty correspondence (concerning food and the trivial events of the day), as it just underscores how empty (and trivial) the correspondence has become.

It was something I felt the need to say. In truth, I never expected agreement. So, why should I be surprised when my words are not even heard?

In the end, it matters not.

Rather than a Threat or a Warning, I believe I viewed my words more as a Legal Notice: compelled by a sense of duty or honor. I may have hoped for action. But I did not expect it. And now, as the words are casually swept aside, I am not so much angry, as surprised by my seemingly complete inability to communicate with another.

I had expectations. They were not met. Interpreted in the most liberal and benign light, it means I have (and/or had) erroneous expectations. And I am at a loss as how to align those expectations with reality without either zeroing them out or having them explicitly spelled out.

I had expectations.
They were wrong.
I now try to expect as little as possible.

If The Devil is real, I think I can identify a demon or two... and better understand the (less than benign) actions of certain others.

And thus, blindness becomes a blessing.

If God gave me (or allowed me) to have Knowledge of Good & Evil, why should I defer to God the decision as to whether something is Good or Evil?

I don't know (and/or am unconvinced) that anyone cares what anyone else has to say... about anything... ever.

I will replace with an Imaginary Friend.

The obligations owed to me were not honoured. I owe Jack F'ing Ship.

That's a strange peg on which to hang one's coat.

I do not have standing to bring suit, as I am not a member of [The Group]. Gotcha.

There are few things in which I am interested; and many, in which I am not.

I'm not going to be a Second Class Member of any Social Group.

[More Wholesale Redactions]

[Many More]

My argument was:
These are some reasons why I would have thought my words would be believed.
And given a belief in my words, I would have thought there was a cause for action.

But not only does it appear my words are not to be believed, it turns out I do not have a claim for action in this or any other matter.

In other words:
My testimony has no merit.
And no obligation exists.

[Mucho Redactions]

If the exchange is metered, I imagine this could take a while.

If a courtesy is made to overlook the improper actions of one party, is this not a discourtesy to any party harmed by those very same actions?

I'm establishing the weight a reasonable person might attach to the various sources.

If I am a liar, it might be fun (great fun) to avoid all truth and make up an imagined life.

[REDACTED]

There is either mutual goodwill or there is not.

If it exists, I am calling on that goodwill.

[More Redactions Still]

If there is no goodwill, the relationship is unto a well that has gone dry. Originally (I must admit), I was contemplating plowing it under. And thus, my initial texts could be likened to legal postings, a notice of planned destruction. But now, I think some sort of ornamental Wishing Well might be more pleasing... even if I have to pump in the water from elsewhere.

At this point, I expect neither belief nor action. I am merely putting my affairs in order (i.e. completing an item on my bucket-list or however one wishes to word it) prior to taking a Deep Dive into The World of Imagination from which (at the present moment) I have no expectation of ever returning.

I (apparently) do not have enough goodwill to reveal, back, or make use of the truth. I don't know the factors that go into the equation. But from where I'm sitting, it looks like truth is an unimportant concept.

Words are sent.
Words are received.
But are they understood?
Or better yet, believed?

I'm sure the same could be asked of me?

I am, also, sure the one has some relation to the other.

All goodwill that I may owe or may be due and proper is on hold pending meaningful assurance that any and all reciprocal goodwill will be honored.

If an argument is not heard, honored, or respected, can a deconstruction of that argument ever be owed?

As they say: The cup is already broken.

Once a heart has been broken, there's not much left to do but make something beautiful out of the pieces.

I shall do whatever it takes to exercise this anger from my heart.

I don't understand.
And I'm done trying.

Eh, it's kinder than saying [words best redacted].

I now know the true reason Christianity didn't take. I never encountered a living example. Care to argue for the exception? Fine. Then I simply never met enough of them.

Likewise, love was always a difficult concept for me. Too much tough love, I guess is what I am saying. {I am sure this is a common complaint.}

I will not be carrying ----- water anytime soon.

It's a long convoluted way of saying goodbye.

Rather than fighting, I'd call it saying goodbye.

I want no association in the next life. In many ways, that is what this is all about. Let's close that door forever.

We don't deserve to be more than animals.

I want more than will be given. The obvious solution is to want less.

One does not typically extend credit to a person who does not pay their debts.

The honor of the past is desired without any corresponding obligation.

They say long distance relationships are difficult to manage.

I'm thinking [redacted] is a meaningless concept in this day and age.

Before I die, there are writing projects I wish to finish. There is nothing further that needs doing with [this subject], making this a nice breaking point.

As I fall into The Abyss, I am falling from the association.

With this complaint unanswered, all complaints become unanswered.

Odd how a single bad decision unravels all prior decisions.

Considering there was disagreement on the obvious, it is a wonder agreement was ever reached on anything.

That which I thought was not.

Responses... but not interesting. Call it [redacted].

I cried when I was born. I am sure I will be crying when I die. And between the two, there will have been plenty more tears.

There is no upside. So, there is no downside.

I don't want a reply. No news is good news.

It's like a race against the clock to turn off my phone before the appointed hour. I do not want contact.

Do I care? I mean, my preference is bloody unlikely. So, what else is there to say? I am not playing for the win, as I just don't expect it.

Like touching a knife.
I expect pain from the contact.

[REDACTED]

{On reread (i.e. in later edits), I am sure I will redact some more.}

[A Story Idea]: I'll just let the idea float out there. But let's just say, it might make sense to specialize.

I'm really stopping to care about this project. I said all I needed to the first time around.

Be done. After all, you are done.

The Cup is not so much broken, as completely non-existent.

Love? I don't feel it.
Truth? I don't hear it.
Respect? I don't have it.
It truly is over.
Whatever was will not be.
Whatever was... really wasn't.

Truth is no longer something we share.

I no longer care about ----- side of the conversation. So, there is no point in giving ----- mine.

Just be done.

Tell me what's there, because I don't feel it or see it.

I value my words. I am sick of pissing them away into a dead end.

If honor means nothing, I'm out.

Cup? Broken? I'm beginning to think it never existed and was a myth all along.

How can a cup which is not (was not, and never will be) be broken?

I'm beginning to think there never was a cup and that's where I went wrong.

The cup isn't broken... because there is no cup, there is no crack.

[Further Redactions]

Certainly, communication has become increasingly difficult... and to my mind, increasingly pointless.

Taken as a whole, it's not so much a crack in the cup as it's a complete vaporization. And now that it's gone, I am left wondering if it ever existed at all.

I did not start this thread to argue the point; but rather, to openly state my side. I have done that.

I can be done.

I am increasingly indifferent as to what that means.

I received a text string containing --- characters. Any additional meaning has been lost in transit.

And the (or any) relationship slowly drifts into a past-tense sort thing.

Not going to do anything?
Well, me neither.

On what basis should I care?

And then, the subject suddenly becomes unworthy of thought.

If my words are not considered true, on what basis should the favor not be returned? And used to defeat any argument, whatsoever?

If ----- weren't -----
And I weren't I

It would be nice if you'd...

{Odd how this last is vague: you'd being ambiguous between would (a favor) and could (the ability). The first is a defect of character, the second of ability.}

Why would I not think that?

If my missives mean nothing, I shan't burden ----- with any more.

F! Off!

{This last is the endless refrain. Get out of my head. You have no rights... not even the right of argument, meaningful conversation, or reason. Begone Foul Beast!

Your goodwill evaporates as mine is ignored.

"F' Off!" the ending refrain to all.

"..., F' Off!"

"..., F' Off!"

"..., F' Off!"

"..., F' Off!"

"..., F' Off!"

Because why? Because F' Off!

I'm done. Delete it all.

F' You!

Clearly, I was wrong.

There is no truth.
There is no loyalty.

Make of that what you will. When I add it together, it sums up to nothing.

There is no happy ending.

You have used words.

Shrug.
I do a lot of shrugging.
Is this how I learned?

I foresee things getting much worse before it gets better. And as such, I have no expectation of it ever getting better.

There are no ties that bind.

I don't know what that means. Here let me try. "I love you, too." Yes. They seem quite empty going in the opposite direction, as well. Sorry if that hurts. But just remember "I love you" and things will be just fine.

Sorry, it's not worth the bother to type a reply.

Let me explain what is happening right now. I started this string not so much by making an accusation, as serving a legal notice regarding my emotional state. Nothing said since has changed my mind nor changed the position. And in truth, I had no expectation of this many words being expended in the effort.

Anyhow, betrayal. You have been convicted. Notice was served, which I shall call a last ditch effort to save the relationship, as my mind is currently running through our history and applying the negative modifier of betrayal to all past interactions. Having witnessed my mind doing this recently to others, I can assure you it has quite the damning effect.

There is good and there is bad. We have shared a lot. But where I allotted goodwill for the bad, it now all comes due... and all at once.

My heart no longer wishes to defend ----- in the battlefield of my mind.

If I have no goodwill, in the end, neither shall -----.

You may continue to argue the point or not per your desire, but as you are arguing your points (or at least, not dissuading me from mine), it is all quite tangential to the bloodbath at hand.

I tire of translating from Brett Speak to something understandable to others.

I have called on goodwill that I thought I had. I was rebuffed. As such, I am in the process of zeroing out any and all goodwill that may be present on my ledgers, so as to even the score.

In my ever so humble opinion, the mere accusation would be cause for action... an investigation into the matter, if nothing else.

There has been no action.

I have been unsuccessful in applying goodwill to force the issue... an issue that by its very nature (please see above) should require no forcing, indicating (to me, at the very least) that I have little to no goodwill (or perhaps even negative goodwill).

This is not playing out very well in my heart.

My heart in utter despair, I am now in a place where I can look at messages. For, the broken-hearted expect nothing.
Good luck with that.

Whatever.
I am done.

There is nothing in the transmittal I care about.

Having successfully defended (the counter to my position), I no longer care about the arguments. But then, I do not currently care much about anything or anyone as relates to this issue. So, perhaps success isn't the right word for what has been achieved.

Does honour not exist?
Or am I simply due none?

I see no cup.
I see no reason to continue looking for one.

It's not a request.
It's not a warning.
It's a formal notice.

!!! WARNING !!!
!! Demolition Underway !!

And now, I'm feeling uncertain. Or maybe, it's more like being in unknown territory.

It is a hopeless case. I may regret {my words, my deeds}. But I can't see how it can be helped. So, it's not really regret. Fear? But low level. More like an awareness of the high probability of a negative outcome. And yet, the bet needed to be made. The dice rolled. Seriously, I've learned a lot... especially how far off from Reality my working model was. So, there. All bets really are off. I don't even know the name of this game... and never (there's no probably about it) did.

Without expectation, there is no desire.

We had plenty of time to build something together and we did not. I have no need to try again.

I reached for the cup. And the cup was gone. I felt betrayed, like someone had taken the cup. But now, I do not believe the cup was ever there... nor is it anywhere, held by anyone, or even possible to be held. Please forgive me if I reach for the cup again. For, old habits die hard. Perhaps, you are wiser than I and will not reach for the cup yourself. Maybe. But for many, the allure is simply too great... a sort of Holy Grail of The Heart.

A person believes what they chose to believe.

That was then, this is now.

It's complicated.

If a slight exists, it's of no concern, isn't a slight, or didn't happen. And as such, further inquiry is useless.

Where do you stand in the dichotomy between us and them.

An Informed Decision Has Been Made

Don't Understand.
Don't Agree.
Don't Believe.

How To Forgive Someone Who Is Wrong And Refuses To Admit It

I presume every new bit of incoming Cultural Knowledge is a fix for this. It all applies.

Cups that don't exist are more resilient than I would have thought.

Does it require any comment?
Is that comment positive?

If I had something that needed saying, I doubt I would say it in this venue to this audience. So, that leaves the trivialities to discuss, an activity I do not wish to pursue at the present moment in time.

I was told (or at least, heard) that I had no goodwill. So, I have no need to communicate based upon the conception of creating or maintaining a goodwill that does not in point of fact exist. We will see when or if I feel like communicating and why.

Most of my questions and statements remain unanswered. I certainly do not owe a response to any communique if I am not due the same courtesy. Perhaps, it is safe to assume that if I do not respond, one should assume the communique in question was as uninteresting, unimportant, and/or unworthy of response as mine seem to have been.

About what? And why? And to what end?

I have said what I needed to say. Whether I was heard, believed, or understood is doubtful, but also entirely out of my control and increasingly unimportant.

Now, it's my turn not to listen.

Some (and/or most) are really shotty at explaining.
I'm really shotty at understanding.
Or the rules got changed somewhere along the line and no one bothered to tell me.

I'm done.

I have aired my complaint. And the response appears to be 'Pound Sand'.

There's a reason they say blood is thicker than water. And ironically enough, it's for the opposite reason than I'd always supposed.

Blood Brothers v Womb Brothers... the later sharing the same water.

I was told (or at least, I heard) that I wasn't betrayed because nothing was owed on account of there being no goodwill, which I interpret as the denial of a relationship that may or may not have existed for many a year.

As such, I can't see the value in continuing to perform any action whose primary motivation was in furthering the relationship and/or building goodwill.

It's a race to the bottom.

I'm not finding the will to engage.

In this scene, what's my motivation?

My failure to communicate was complete and total. I don't care enough to try again.

Don't worry. We'll find something to lie about before long, some campfire we can stand around, as we pretend the heat and the flames are something we care about.

I don't know how to move a relationship that doesn't seem to exist forward.

As an introvert, why would I wish to fill my limited capacity for social engagement with such an obviously dead-end relationship?

Another piece-of-ship human, just like all the rest.

Carefree Contempt

Glad-Handed Glare

I don't have the same emotional commitments as most folks seem to have. But then, it seems likely everyone else (at least, in my experience) has the same, extremely low, almost non-commitment to everyone else. So, maybe I'm just normal... or somehow, it's spread like a disease.

Can't see any reason to be mean.
Can't see any reason to be nice.

I'm speechless, at the moment.

I neither want to talk nor want not to talk. It is clear we are building nothing together, going nowhere. And I simply don't feel like setting another block in place when all the others have come to naught.

If I've got no goodwill, I've got no goodwill. But then, if I've got no goodwill, neither does -----, because that's the way goodwill works. It's a reciprocal sort of thing. And this is what an absence of goodwill looks like. It looks like strangers not giving a damn about each other.

F! U!

Zero F's!

I'm done working on this. I'm probably done with this... all of this.

Two Words
Measured Four

Sometimes a person is wrong.


My words are not honoured.
And there is no desire to honour my words.
Resolution has not been forthcoming.
And it turns out, there will be no resolution.

In other words, I am owed nothing.
And I can expect nothing.

It is what it is... Nothing.


Unless it is a concession or in my favour, I do not need to respond.

Much energy went into seeing the other side. If only ----- were as industrious defending [The Truth].

F-Off!

In expectation of future annoying missives, I'm shutting down. I'm just expecting the worst and pre-emptively buffering my heart. It's nearing the end of this game.

[Too Detailed]: It just doesn't matter.
[A Continuation Of The Same]

[Silence Serves Injustice].

[It] is a fiction I no longer believe.

I've already mourned -----.
I'm sick of mourning -----.

[So Many Details]

Sorry, I have not the will to continue.

[As Posted, This Project Is Not About The Facts]

Where there's smoke, there's fire. Money is the smoke. It's easy to count and see in the distance. But it's the fire that does all the damage. Others (not in the same boat) tend to minimize how much fire there was, the damage it caused, and how annoying it is to be blamed after the fact for yelling 'Fire! Fire! Fire!' all along, as if that in itself is some kind of crime... especially considering the extent of the blaze.

Positive → Engage
Negative → Ignore

We need to be in repair mode, access the damage, ignore, and move on.

Strategy & Tactics

May all the world treat ----- as ----- has treated me.

Those who have been declared liars seldom care about their accuser's words.

Perhaps, I should wait longer to respond. But why? I am ceasing to care.

At first I thought the cup was broken. But as I was collecting the pieces, I realized it was never there. And now, I'm stopping to care.

As it stands, if there is a next life (of any sort), I don't want ----- in it.

There is no sadness to fall into.

Count the words. That's how many words ----- gets for a reply. Word for word.

Equal Days
Equal Length

One can love a dog and put it down {i.e. kill it}. But if one fails at the task, that dog is sure to snarl the next time one comes around.

I no longer care enough to try and be heard. There is nothing to save. And no reason to save it.

I have no reason to believe my side was supported half as well as the opposition.

I was not treated with kindness. And I was most certainly not treated with love. I have no need to be a member of any group that would treat me so.

I would not trust the empty words of a liar nor their acquaintance. But that's just me.

My words have been declared untrue. Therefore, I am a liar. It comes to mind that I must have learned this skill set somewhere.


I disagree, as that is not the reality that has been presented to me... like ever... not even once.


{I am right. Others are wrong. If it takes this many words to be heard (or not even heard, to just get my foot in the door; and really, not even that), then the whole process is worthless... and not worthy of my time.}

[Is Turn About Fair Play?]
{Only a fool would think so.}

Contemptible
Pitiful
Hypocritical
Delusional
Intellectually Dishonest

{If knowledge does not impart compassion, of what use is the knowledge?}

I guess I just wait for death now. There is no life left.

Even less.

{Good Time After Bad? I Don't Think So}

I'm done.
There was nothing.
There is nothing.

I take the words to be self-serving lies.

I cannot be bothered.

The part of me that cared (if not dead) is at least safely buried. The morass of hopelessness it must rise above seems insurmountable.

Mutual regard is being tossed out the window. But then, it's hard to believe it's been mutual for a long time. One wonders if it ever was.

The rationale for why the cup was never broken reduces to there never having been a cup to break.

Words have been said. And not being a dullard, I have heard them. They are not as I would have them. But then, I am sure others would have preferred never to have had to say them.

I think fairly clearly: the relationship is dissolved and no further love need be lost.

Words have failed.

Am I negotiating with the dead... and dying. Certainly, staring at my own demise was part of the motivation.

Thanks for being there for me.

I had salad for lunch.

Betrayal requires a disconnect between expectation and action.

It's not worth deconstructing any further.

I don't see the upswing... in truth, not ever.

I had salad for lunch.

No food is so sweet or refreshing to make up for the bad company one must keep while eating it.

It's a sunny morning, casting shadows on the floor.

I do not expect to find Truth from -----, with -----, or through -----. As such, certain styles/forms/classes of communication have become useless/pointless/meaningless.

People who feel betrayed often return the favour.